Setting aside insecurity in order to gain momentum again, especially in the face of defeat is bravery, easy peasy way to work out that muscle is facing whatever is biting at your heels head on.
Signing a dotted line under the promise of time and the freedom to pursuit in any other direction, because that is what excellence demands in exchange for a broader point of view that allows others to relate and understand too.
Who knew my greatest weakness would be what saved me at this point in my story. A blessing offering much-needed direction toward my inevitable destiny, Thank God for retrospect and hard-earned lessons for guidance.
Thanks to these factors I’m convinced idle convictions are often meant to be replaced by the humility that comes with understanding them more concretely. That some things are meant to be seen by a single being out of seven billion and some. Other pieces, observed by none yet no less indicative of greatness for any who happen to reach for it, even if by accident.
I find comfort in the idea that I’m a creature like the rest, yet cognizant enough to be aware of my smallness. I don’t deserve the things I’ve had, and regardless of what I am given, at my best, I’m driven to deliver more good than bad if I wish to remain in good standing with myself.
These are a few of the routine things I’m grateful for.
When I’ve fallen to the depths of my deepest, and darkest pits of despair, what eventually pulls me out is taking stock over where I sit and the other players who’ve sat where I sit.
One shocking realization came to me out of the blue, the closer I got to losing my sh**? Others around me seemed to be all about it, no matter how low I got. Those superficially ‘closest’ to me would extend empty sympathies while patting me on the back over my perceived accomplishments.
Treating tantrums, as a matter of fact, building the illusion that it’s the right way to act.
Acting as though they expected no better than that? Really made me think. Is that the Koolaid I wish to drink?
I should BE okay with my shortcomings too?
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Could I live with myself playing pretend while knowing the hard-earned things I do?
Being okay with less than I’d begun with would be the same as delusional to me…
Unsure of the why’s I was forced to seek further direction. I consulted institutions and of course, my favorite books. I spent time running, reading, exploring, and writing, while listening to masters and imagining what I might look like up against my greatest heroes?
What were the traits they all had in common?
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They were kind but just, so when necessary ruthless
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They weren’t blind to their roots of humanity, they accepted them humbly and resisted through urgency.
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If blinded by anything it was their belief
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they weren’t dumbed by the use of technology
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and they often disagreed outwardly with something important yet dastardly in the current scene
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Throughout their trials they all succeed because they pursue the treasures awaiting them at the end of their trials and tribulations, while facing fierceness with as much grace as one might muster, accepting the lessons gratefully in the end.
In my mind, at this time I counted a million other differences between Me and My Heroes.
So how would it look if any one of them picked up MY book?
At the rate I was going it could be labeled ‘the journey of a zero’… Nothing heroic, no caps necessary, not much to emphasis but tragedy and dusty dreams…
“The hero falling into ruin, only to walk around in a tattered cape like an old leatherman jacket, boasting about how good it used to look when their muscles were still rippling.”
They would throw that book away…
The embarrassment I feel for that version is crippling, and enough to make me throw it away, making room for another to enter the ring.
When gratitude is lacking its time to stop slacking and turn over a new leaf that allows the excitement to increase over new thoughts and their impending bloom.
No daydream is too lame or trips to insane if it stands to improve your outlook. If it comes to mind more than twice, I’d advise taking a closer look at the messengers’ disguise!
Take a dip in the God-given gift of creativity, if it seems tough to find goodness, then dig in deep. Take as much time as you need to sit and just F** ing breath and close your eyes!
All I’m saying is the fastest way I’ve ever gotten out of the pity dungeon, or any other lacking class for that matter, was to think of the things in that very moment that made me feel lucky or as if at some point it’s piece was rendered just for my puzzle, even if the only effect it held at the time of its manifestation was to puzzle me… Until the present where it suddenly makes sense, it might even offer a touch of humor in an otherwise poor circumstance.
And in digging a little bit deeper I am able to dip myself out of a hole!
By the art of practicing quiet enough that when a question is asked behind closed eyes and an open mind, a million little examples are compelled to find their way to me with an offering.
A million views of the things I’ve seen both real and imagined. Moments that have changed me, molded, and made me the person I write through every day. It’s these little things that make me grateful daily, keeping me humble through the route in which their experience was gained. Gratitude is something that becomes ingrained, like any kind of workout it isn’t always fun, or enjoyable. But the art of its practice leaving a trail of potential behind for all who see it, each grateful act holds impact and in some way gives back.
No matter how small the seed, it has the power to lead its sower through a thousand rows dusted in tiny connections. Each can be pulled through recalling recollections while designing a pattern as each comes to mind. It’s playful transaction the more often you do it.
Like most things requiring practice, it isn’t always easy, or enjoyable but you’ll feel better when you do it in spite of the lack of instant gratification extended by the act of doing. It’s how willpower is created, in my humble opinion!
❤
The Inkling 